i wonder what you see when you look at me

in 2023, somebody told me,
"when i got to know more about you, i became disappointed."

when i was younger
i had trouble talking to people in person
and would freeze and avoid eye contact

but i had no trouble online
because i could
until my sentences were perfect

as i got older, i got better at masking my anxiety
but when i am around people who
i become a child again

does my anxiety make me seem

it's hard for me to express my existence
so I
where I can
until it is perfect

even then
those are only slivers of who i am
how do i summarize more than three decades of existence?

there are so many versions of my self
based on how others see me
and all of those versions are real

but how can you know me
unless we've

different versions that only exist
in rare contexts

everyone looks for the initial spark
but all of my friends
were people i was once afraid of
we just spent enough time
until i was no longer afraid

i sat down, closed my eyes,
and had a conversation with my child self.